i remember

Tonight I've been sitting here watching my latest Netflix movie 'Remember Me'. My daughter Jaina wanted me to put it in my queue because Robert Pattinson is in it. Well I decided to watch it without her since it isn't much of a movie I think she really would be interested in.

I can't help but feel so many negative feelings watching this. It's not anything about the movie in particular like it reminds me of something or that it has some kind of parallel to my life. It just has made me feel really sad for lots of separate reasons. And when I feel sad my mind brings me back to past sad events in my life. And then I start to analyze and figure out what's wrong with me and this whole vicious cycle starts. I shouldn't even watch movies like this.

But I figure I can't hide from stuff either though. And lots of time or probably most of the time that's what I do. I don't know how to deal with the hurt so I'll just try to push it away. However I do know that doesn't work. I tried that after my dad died years ago. I did all I could to push it away, to suck it up and go on. And it probably looked like I was doing a good job with that. But I wasn't really. And the only one who really knew was my wife at the time. She helped me see where my hidden pain was taking me and pushed me to counseling which had a profound effect on me.

Getting back on track I had wanted to talk more about my marriage with this post, specifically when it fell apart. I'm hoping it will help me come to terms as the divorce seems so close. I'll try to do it next time.