saving your marriage IS a choice

 From 'Marriage Fitness' by Mort Fertel:

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love - because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your
spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every
relationship, but if you think about your
marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference
between the initial stage when you were in love
and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start
asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as
you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when
marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse
for their unhappiness and look outside their
marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and
sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But
sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable - you can "make" love.

i always have a hard time believing it

Today I got divorce papers in the mail. Not the initial ones- my wife filed originally a little over four years ago. The one's I got today are concerning her wanting to start the finalization process.

i remember

Tonight I've been sitting here watching my latest Netflix movie 'Remember Me'. My daughter Jaina wanted me to put it in my queue because Robert Pattinson is in it. Well I decided to watch it without her since it isn't much of a movie I think she really would be interested in.

I can't help but feel so many negative feelings watching this. It's not anything about the movie in particular like it reminds me of something or that it has some kind of parallel to my life. It just has made me feel really sad for lots of separate reasons. And when I feel sad my mind brings me back to past sad events in my life. And then I start to analyze and figure out what's wrong with me and this whole vicious cycle starts. I shouldn't even watch movies like this.

But I figure I can't hide from stuff either though. And lots of time or probably most of the time that's what I do. I don't know how to deal with the hurt so I'll just try to push it away. However I do know that doesn't work. I tried that after my dad died years ago. I did all I could to push it away, to suck it up and go on. And it probably looked like I was doing a good job with that. But I wasn't really. And the only one who really knew was my wife at the time. She helped me see where my hidden pain was taking me and pushed me to counseling which had a profound effect on me.

Getting back on track I had wanted to talk more about my marriage with this post, specifically when it fell apart. I'm hoping it will help me come to terms as the divorce seems so close. I'll try to do it next time.

way back when

It's been almost five years since my marriage blew up right in front of me and my life as I knew it- or thought I knew it- came to a horrible and painful end. My wife had had an affair and I was just destroyed. So much has happened in the time since that moment- my broken moment- that it is hard to even remember that 'old life'. But I still do and even though the years have gone by the sadness still hasn't.

I'm hoping that with this blog I can share my thoughts, feelings, insights and knowledge I've gained through this dark time in my life with other men or really anyone who has gone through huge life-altering drama and now feels that their past life, the life they knew and loved, has become nothing but a series of broken moments.